My Boring Day

Darren confronts his issues

I should say now that this deals solely with me and girls.  Sorry.

This time last year I fell out with two of my best friends.  I won’t go into details now but one of them happened to be my very best friend in the world.  I’d been close to her for 5 years, had literally been around the world with her, to hell and back.  I adored her in every way, which as it turned out, was the problem.

We had been a couple for 3 years.  As far as I’m concerned, marriage was going to happen.  Then I started to lose my shit.  Again, won’t go into it here, but I started to treat everyone around me like a total and utter cunt.  I lost it.  I lost my perspective, I lost my cool, I forgot to check my ego at the door. 

So we split up.  Trying to remember it now, I think it was a mutual decision.  We had rowed so much it wasn’t worth it.  Looking at it now, we rowed becuase I loved to pick a fight with everyone over anything. 

We still stayed friends.  Neither of us met anyone else.  In fact we went on to travel again to Asia.  Then it got messy.

I got back and knew I was totally, utterly, head over heels in love with her still.  No question.  She got back and knew she really didn’t like me like that.  This hit me really, really, really hard.  I don’t suppose I ever thought we actually split up properly.  We still hung out, still acted the same - just without sexual stuff.

Things weren’t pleasant after that.  I knew I couldn’t be her mate if I liked her still, but I didn’t have the balls to admit to myself.  We eventually just stopped seeing each other (she thankfully had the intelligence to know what to do - stop seeing me!).  Then things came to a halt this time last year when I chose to do something that really pissed her off - not surprising, if I were in her shoes I would’ve reacted the same. 

So I’ve not seen or spoken to her in a long time.  It got to the point my friends were banned outright from telling me if they saw her.  Sounds stupid but for a while we all joked about me and her, how much I liked her still, but the truth was - i really did like her.  So it stopped being funny.  To keep me sane I asked them not to tell me.  I’m not going to pull some shit like “please don’t talk to her”, I hope they would have told me to fuck off had I done that, so yeah, just don’t tell me.

Then I started to date Emma.  Finally found someone up my street, proved to me that there are people out there I like and who like me.  Made me realise too that I was putting Helen on a pedistal.  No girl could ever come close to her, at least in my mind.  Then you meet someone else and think, actually, other girls can be ace too.

So since December things were good.  No longer thought about Helen liked that.  No longer had to ban myself from the internet least I see something about her on FB or something. 

Yesterday I grew up though and decided to confront my fears.  Go meet Helen for a chat.  Today, I did just that.

It was ace.  I don’t mean that in a “ooooh I wanna be with her” way.  I mean in a “Yes I can sit with her and not fell like that anymore” way.  I’m so goddamned pleased with myself right now. 

We even chatted about her current bloke.  Instead of crying, or smashing things up, or anything negative, I was actually pleased she found someone.  Someone nice, not some horrible tit who would use her.  I listened to her and tried to offer advice.  Not once did I feel any pang of jealousy or enviousness.  I didn’t think anything bad.  Actually all I thought was “Why can’t I meet someone where I work? Everyone else does!”. 

So yeah.  I’m damn proud of myself.  I know now I can date others and not be hung up elsewhere.  I worried I would be like that.  I wasn’t with Emma, but I hardly had the chance to worry cos she dumped me as soon as I told her I wanted to cum on her tits.  I kid you not.

So yeah.  I felt like I’ve really moved on today.  My friends are all moving in with each other, having babies, getting promotions, and I don’t feel any jealous or envy.  I’m really happy for them.  Five years ago I wouldn’t have been.  I would have been jealous.  No doubt.

So whats changed in me?  Maybe I’ve just grown up.  Maybe I just want to see my friends smiling for once, not worrying about something.  Maybe deep down in me I’m happy with myself? 

Either way, as Ice Cube said, today was a good day.

The long awaited return to Asia

This past weekend I finally sorted out and booked my flights back to Cambodia.  I am incredibly excited and have found something to look forward to. 

I’ve sorted it so I’ll have a day or to two in Kuala Lumpar as well, so I get to see a tiny bit of Malaysia :-)

My plan is to head south to Kampot and Kep.  Once the choice of the Cambodian elite for their holidays, they are now sleepy forgotten places, still suffering from Pol Pot and his gang of cunts.  Imagine 19th century French architecture in amongst overgrown jungles, lazy seaside ports and a lot of Monkeys.

I’m going it alone too.  I’m the only one holding myself back, but little by little, I’m growing the balls I need.

Can’t wait, whoop!

My new motto is:

As long as there are places I haven’t seen, reefs I haven’t dived, wildlife I haven’t photographed and tits I haven’t jizzed on, ill always have a reason to live.

Yes, I made that up.  Totally true though - why do I let myself think there is no point to it all when there clearly is?!

Whomp…there it is.

Not the greatest start to 2012.  First I split up with someone I thought there was a future with (Cos I’m stupidly disgusting when I’m nervous) then wham! my office decides to make a whole floor of people jobless.

I’m not in the group who found out today their work is being transferred elsewhere for cheaper.  So I should count my blessings.  However, as most company policies are, they try to redeploy permanent staff elsewhere in the building.  So what better way to do that than get rid of all the agency staff there and let the perms fill those roles?

I’d had a really good run to be fair.  I have just been promoted to the “centre of excellence” team, the team that does the high risk, high profile things.  If anything major was to go wrong, it would be my team that does it, as we have some serious authority to play with.  I have settled into my new role pretty good - apparently I’m the second most accurate trainee they’ve had, and the only temp ever to be on there - usually you have to be on other teams for a few years before they consider you.  But my previous jobs and travel experience have helped me here - I now route multi million dollar payments all over the world, and for that you have to know your geography and finance.

My 1 to 1 was very promising - second highest score in the team, promosing future with them once they had gotten the all clear to sign me off properly. 

Then todays announcement.  That pretty much was the sign off they were waiting for.  It’s not their choice, but sadly that’s how the dice rolls at times.

So what now?

Well I’m going to sit around until they officially tell me whats going on.  There is a very small chance they can push me through as a perm staff member and keep me, but the decision on that isn’t made by my bosses.  It’s someone much higher.

So assuming I’m outta there, I have to do something.

I had planned on settling down and being the guy I want to be - kids, family and whatnot.  But I know I can’t force those things.  I know I’m not perfect but I know damn well I would make an excellent husband and so I’m going to wait for the right person.  I don’t need another selfish, petty and spoilt girlfriend sulking because I don’t tell her what she wants to hear.  If they want that then they are better off with the millions of guys who manipulate you into thinking you’re winning when you’re really, really not.  Trust me, I’ve done that A LOT.  How do you get two girls who hate each other to suck you off at the same time AND be allowed to film it?  Manipulate them both.  Been there, done it. 

And people wonder why I am SO determined not to be that guy again?

So my plan if I’m outta a job is….

Backpacking again.  This time to India, then Sri Lanka and back to Cambodia.  Alone.  Doing things that scare me again.  Not having to think.  Not having to be the person others want me to be.  Total bliss.